Never Marry A Man Unless...

"Never marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son just like him."



Just some food for though. I'm munching on it right now.

I'm That Kid in WalMart

There are those rare times you go to WalMart and there is a child who has lost their parents. They are running around, crying hysterically, looking for their parent. They are scared, lost, terrified of not having that one person who makes them feel completely safe and complete and secure.

I am that kid.

Last night, something broke inside of me. I layed in bed, curled into a ball, held myself, and cried. And the entire time, I was was wishing he was there to hold me. Of all people, him. Yes, him. I cried, sobbed, bawled until I couldn't breathe. I fell asleep crying, clinging to all the pillows I could find.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I felt so alone. I had never felt so lonely before, and it was a strange feeling. To really have nobody to turn to was a ridiculous feeling. I sat alone in a bar and drank for 3 hours. How sad it that? Never in my life did I think I was going to be at this place. I never thought I would be this broken girl, drinking in a bar, alone, and 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

I am that kid in WalMart. Now, I just have to decide whether I'm going to keep running and looking, sit down and cry and wait for him to find me, or find a way to just get my ass out of there. I don't know if I'm ready to stop running and crying while I keep looking for him. I need him.

Call Me Selfish, But

I know I shouldn't. After everything you've put me through, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. My brain is telling me, "No! Are you crazy?? Move on!" But I can't. My heart is winning right now.

You. Are. My. Heart. I can't let you go.

You have been a part of my life, in every part of my life, forever.

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken

I wish it wasn't broken, I really do. Every ounce of my body and soul is wishing it wasn't broken. What happened? It seems like someone just flipped a switch and took away the person I knew.

I'm a fixer. I like to fix things, I like to help people. Now, I want to fix us. But I can't. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I beg, plead, cry... nothing. It really is broken.

What the fuck happened, can someone tell me? Anyone?

He always tells me, "You changed." I really don't think I've changed in any ways for the worse. I mean, I've matured a little and am taking life a lot more serious now. In the ways that he suggested I changed, I have assured him that it was in reaction to how he changed. I told him many times, I need you to fill up my love tank in this way, and nothing.

I don't know how to let go. I can't yet. I can't bring myself to do it. It will only end up hurting me in the end, I'm sure it will, but I can't let go yet. I told him "We're done." But there's a stupid, stupid part of me that is hoping for change.

I know it is up to someone to decide that they want to change, but he can't seem to make that decision. I want to just shake him, maybe that will wake him up, or bring back the man I fell in love with. I really don't know, but I want him back. I want him to fix things and fix us.

These Last Few Days

Or shall I say weeks, have been really intense and draining. One moment, I'm planning a wedding and ordering his wedding ring, the next day, I'm sobbing in my computer chair emailing vendors to cancel their services. If that is not a roller coaster of emotions, I don't know what is.

He told me for a long time that I was demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish. I have looked inside, and I really don't see it. I don't. I'm pretty realistic about things, and I know I am not those things to the extent that he was making me to be. We can all be demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish at any time in our lives, but to label someone as that is just hurtful.


I am apparently demanding, selfish, controlling, spoiled, and needy because...

- I ask him to spend time with me when we both have a day off. I'm sorry, I thought that's what couples do when they have free time. Guess I was wrong..?

- I don't like vegetables and refuse to eat them. However, on a night that he made dinner, there were peas flooding the dish, I couldn't get around them. I tried for two seconds, then gave up, and just ate the peas in his yummy dinner. It was delish. I never, EVER eat peas, but I did because he made them.

- I like knowing where he is. Not in a creepy, stalkish sort of way. Just so I know not to call/text/bbm if he's say, at the gym. I'll leave my phone alone for a few hours and wait for him to call. But the problem is.. he doesn't.

- I ask him to drive to town to see me. He's the one that asked me to move out. Why should I drive there? But yano what, I still do sometimes when I really want to see him and he refuses to come see me. I go even though his parents are rude and judgemental toward me.

- I asked him to address is rude and judgemental parents. Because apparently I'm just supposed to deal with it. I understand they are older, are his parents, and deserve respect. I have never been anything but respectful to them. However, I think I deserve a little respect too, as well as be treated like an adult. Not like some 16 year old kid who is a bump on the log and mooching off their son. Excuse me, but I've been working since I was 15, have always had a job (at times two, just because), graduated college in 4 years (rushed the last two so I could graduate at the same time as him. took 16 credits one summer), have clear goals ahead of me, and can take care of myself and their son.

- I asked him to get a new job to make more money for us so we could live on our own. Granted, I don't have a new job, but have been looking and applying for months. He didn't want to get a new job because he didn't want to give up his perks of using the gym on base for free and access to the NEX on base.

- When we did start looking at places to live (even though we couldn't afford it), I was looking in town, when he wanted to live in Kaneohe. Now, I looked in Kaneohe, there was nothing there we could afford, so I had to look in town. And when I did find one in Kaneohe that we might have been able to afford, I asked him to go look at it (yano, since he lives in Kaneohe and is there.. umm.. all the time) he complained and asked why I wouldn't do it. Umm.. because I live in town and have work all week, while you only work at night, and if you do work the day shift, you're done by 2 in the afternoon. Needless to say, he never looked at it.

- When he asked me to move out of his parent's house 5 months out from the wedding, I got upset. Because, well, 5 months out from a wedding, you don't move out and live seperately. I understand that it was because he was sick of the fighting, but avoidance is not the solution to any problem. I have a really good feeling that if he didn't ask me to leave, we would not be where we are right now.

- I wanted him to wear a suit/tux/barong tagalog to our wedding. His arguement.. I want to be comfortable. I totally understood that, so threw the idea of a barong tagalog and tux out, but still pushed for a suit. If we're going to plan this elaborate, kinda formal affair, why would it be okay for you to wear slacks and an untucked aloha shirt? I mean, yes, we're in Hawaii, but if he wore that to our wedding, he would have dressed better for a job interview than our wedding.

- I won't give him time. What he means by that, I have no idea. He wants me to give him time to change I guess? Give him time to plan dates and decide when he wants to see me? See.. that's my problem. Everything is at his convenience. If he doesn't want to see me, he won't, unless I drive to Kaneohe to see him, or he'll just come to see me out of spite because he's tired of hearing me ask.

I don't think it's fair of him to ask for more time, after I've been telling him for months what I need out of him. The only reason he got a second job is because I called off the wedding and let him know I was serious about how unhappy I was, I guess. And he says he stood up to his parents and set them straight, but I don't really know about that one. And that's about it.

I called off the wedding on the 14th, and haven't seen him since the 10th. Today is the 25th, does any of that seem wrong to anyone else? He hasn't come to see me and wouldn't even come into town to just have dinner with me. On the day when I knew he had the entire day off, I asked him to spend time with me. He let me knew he had chores to do, and a tattoo to get, so I asked him to maybe come into town for dinner since he didn't mention anything he had to do at night. Well aparently, I was asking too much and he refused to come.

However, last night, he let me know he was planning to see me on Monday. Woohoo...!

I dunno, it's too little, too late if you ask me.

I'm sorry, I am just so tired and fed up. I have never felt like such a burden to someone before. Never felt like such an inconvenience, and not a priority, and pretty much worthless. Like, there are so many other better things to do in the world than show me any type of affection or sign that I'm important.

If I'm wrong in any way, please tell me, because maybe I'm just not seeing it.


All I ever wanted was to know that he loved me and for him to show it. He didn't. I begged, 'Showwwww Me', and he never did. His response to that, "I need time, you never give me time." Time for what?

Past Happiness

All that happiness down there in my blog makes me sick. How could I have been so stupid. So blindly in love with someone who didn't give a damn about me.

I was selling myself short. Settling. Not good.

I'll leave it there as a reminder to never settle again.

My Heart is Breaking

If not already broken, and this post from LeLove put it perfectly.



The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.

Collapsing inwardly. How perfectly put.