When My Phone Goes Off In the Middle of the Night

... i secretly hope it's you.

Find!!

Hi there cute little solar powered bobble head dolls!

They're only $15.99 and about $5 shipping to Hawaii. Love em!

I'm tempted to buy one.. or three. And give the other two as presents, duh.

Buy them here =)

Blog Cheater

I'm sorry, but I have to say that I am now cheating on this blog with another.

I started a new blog today, Love Flutters. It's a compilation of all the love quotes I've collected over the years. I always worried what would happen if I misplaced the book they're all in, but now I won't have to worry anymore.

When I get home tonight I'll post the first quote. Or maybe I'll post a few to get the ball rolling.

Never Look Back

"Lose yourself in me

just wander into my heart

and never look back"


- Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

It's a Start

Ladies and gentleman, I have finally made it to the gym! I have been saying for a long time that I needed to start going, and this breakup has been some great motivation for me.

I was waiting to see when the best deal would be to join the gym, and boy was that a silly move. I could have joined in November for $30 a month with no activation fee but waited to see if a better deal rolled around during Christmas...one didn't. So, I ended up joining this month for $30 a month + $10 initiation fee. Ehh.. not too shabby.

Anyhow, I've been a member for 4 days and only went for the first time last night! Ahh! I was dreading it at first, thought that maybe my smoking would hold me back and affect my cardio and that perhaps I would get tired quickly in general. Wrong! I ran three miles AND lifted some weights! Woo!

I'm so excited to be tiny, and skinny again. I need a new, fresh start and I can't think of a better way to achieve that. Sure, I'm a little sore today, but it's totally worth it. I'm going to start doing more things for myself, and this is going to be one of them.

Waiting

"The pieces you lack

are waiting inside me

to find you again."


- Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

I Am Not Here

To feed your ego. Don't get me wrong, I love pushing you and supporting you to be the best you that you can be, but I am not here to sit around and watch you do stupid tricks and dance to Soljah Boy in your car. You're not a circus clown, and I'm not a child waiting to be entertained.

To be the sex you need/want whenever you jump into bed and want it. Don't get me wrong, I love sex just as much as the next person. But don't think you can ignore me all day then jump into bed and get some. Sorry. Not happening.

As an option for you. I should be your priority. Afterall, you did propose to me. I shouldn't take my place after mixing kava with the boys or the gym.

To let you parents disrespect me and pry into my/our personal life. My money is my money, and what I do with it is my business. My quest for a job is just that. Mine. So whatever steps I take to find a new job, and whatever job that may be is my business.










However, I am here...

to love you unconditionally without judging or bad intentions.

to support you in every step you take in life, and be that person you can rely on the always be there for you.

to be the best wife I can be to you, and mother to our future children.

to build a life and future with you.


But I am not here to lay down and let you walk all over me. I am not here to be there whenever it works for you and as you see fit. And, because you thoguht that's what I am here for,

I am not here.

Her Name is Kaui

She's 28 and according to him, is just his new "workout buddy". He works out with her at 24 Hour Fitness, where he's not a member, so in order for them to work out together he has to go out of his way to print out buddy passes or 7 day passes. When he started working two jobs I offered to buy him a 1 year membership to 24 Hour Fitness so he could go to the gym whenever he needed to, he told me, "I don't want to go to 24s". And look where he is now, and to top it off, with another girl.

"Honestly, I went up to her because I thought I knew her." Right. How many times have I heard that? None, actually. But that's a good line to use when you're trying to keep your ass out of trouble.

Oh, to add more salt to my wound, I find out from a friend that they went "island hopping". When I confronted him about it, it took literally 2 days for him to fess up. Those 2 days were spent denying it up the ying-yang and "swearing to God" that he didn't and that he had no idea what I was talking about. Well, day 3 rolled around and he confessed. They went to Maui "spur of the moment" and had separate rooms and that they had only met "a few weeks ago". A few more days of prodding and I get the "truth". I don't really believe that it is the truth, but it's better than keeping me guessing.

They met early December/late November and have only gone to the gym 3 times. They slept in a hostel in the same room in Maui, but didn't share a bed. Please. I'm calling bullshit that they didn't share a bed. I also don't believe that they stayed in a hostel, but he insists on it. Whatever. To make matters worse, he was talking to me the entire time and telling me he loved me and still wanted to get back together with me.

How do people throw around the words "I love you" so carelessly and freely? Do they not understand the weight that those words hold? Obviously not. Obviously, this same person who can throw around "I love you" doesn't understand the commitement that proposing to someone is either.

Mind Boggling

I really don't understand how people can be so mean, cruel and deceitful to the person that they love. When I was younger, and relationships weren't too serious, and hearts didn't completely grasp what love was, I of course, like most of us, had my share of being on the giving and receiving end of heartbreak. However, I learned from all of those situations and when I found him, I knew that I wanted to love him right and love him completely. I wanted to give him 110% of myself and go above and beyond to make our love beautiful. I thought he thought the same, but I guess not.

I was proposed to, and I immediately shifted from girlfriend to wife mode, and only had our futures in mind. I wanted it to be beautiful and fruitful, and I wanted all of our dreams to come true. I wanted to be in his corner chearing him on in whatever endeavor he decided on taking, and being that person to support him when he loses his footing. And I was all of that and more.

Somewhere along the way, I think he forgot that it is a choice that I make to be his everything and give myself completely. I think he was under the impression that it was what I owed him, not showed him because I wanted to.

I'm not sure when it happened, or how it happened, but somehow I was the last person he wanted anything to do with. I had been nothing but good to him, and he now wanted nothing to do with me. Spending time with me was out of the question, driving to town to see me (after he decided to kick me out) was too much of a burden, talking on the phone with me was too draining, answering a text took up too much of his time.

Then, I find out that there's someone else. He had already broken my heart and thrown me to rock bottom once, never did I think he would do it again. But when I was finally getting my feet back under me, I pulled the rug out from under me and I found myself lying there, on rock bottom, again.

I'm not sure what makes people play with another's heart strings, but whatever that reason is, it's cruel.

It's Been a Roller Coaster

The past few months have been crazy, to say the least. Since we've broken up, I'll be honest, we haven't stopped talking for one day. Maybe for a few hours, but we've talked every day since. Don't let that confuse you though, we're mean to each other every day. Where the love went, I have no idea, but it has now been replaced with resentment. It truly is a love/hate relationship.

We talk about how we were supposed to work so well, and how things were supposed to have been. The things that didn't work out and the dreams that were shattered. It feels like most of these dreams were mine, and Derek's by association. I don't believe anymore that he wanted what I wanted, and that he dreamed the same dreams, our minds on the same level and our hearts on the same page. I now know that is was all just a show. I'm not sure what type of gain he was getting out of the facade that he put up, but it really does feel completely fake. Like I was living in a lie of a relationship.

I've had a lot of time to think about this and a lot of pain to feel. It's been hard on my heart, my soul, and my entire being. The things that have been done and the hurt that has been inflicted are things that I could never imagine doing to someone in a relationship, especially to someone that I was going to marry.

I hate to say this, but entire experience has made me very skeptical of marriage and the ability to trust someone with my heart again. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be a wedding planner because love is a beautiful thing, but maybe just not for me.

Never Marry A Man Unless...

"Never marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son just like him."



Just some food for though. I'm munching on it right now.

I'm That Kid in WalMart

There are those rare times you go to WalMart and there is a child who has lost their parents. They are running around, crying hysterically, looking for their parent. They are scared, lost, terrified of not having that one person who makes them feel completely safe and complete and secure.

I am that kid.

Last night, something broke inside of me. I layed in bed, curled into a ball, held myself, and cried. And the entire time, I was was wishing he was there to hold me. Of all people, him. Yes, him. I cried, sobbed, bawled until I couldn't breathe. I fell asleep crying, clinging to all the pillows I could find.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I felt so alone. I had never felt so lonely before, and it was a strange feeling. To really have nobody to turn to was a ridiculous feeling. I sat alone in a bar and drank for 3 hours. How sad it that? Never in my life did I think I was going to be at this place. I never thought I would be this broken girl, drinking in a bar, alone, and 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

I am that kid in WalMart. Now, I just have to decide whether I'm going to keep running and looking, sit down and cry and wait for him to find me, or find a way to just get my ass out of there. I don't know if I'm ready to stop running and crying while I keep looking for him. I need him.

Call Me Selfish, But

I know I shouldn't. After everything you've put me through, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. My brain is telling me, "No! Are you crazy?? Move on!" But I can't. My heart is winning right now.

You. Are. My. Heart. I can't let you go.

You have been a part of my life, in every part of my life, forever.

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken

I wish it wasn't broken, I really do. Every ounce of my body and soul is wishing it wasn't broken. What happened? It seems like someone just flipped a switch and took away the person I knew.

I'm a fixer. I like to fix things, I like to help people. Now, I want to fix us. But I can't. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I beg, plead, cry... nothing. It really is broken.

What the fuck happened, can someone tell me? Anyone?

He always tells me, "You changed." I really don't think I've changed in any ways for the worse. I mean, I've matured a little and am taking life a lot more serious now. In the ways that he suggested I changed, I have assured him that it was in reaction to how he changed. I told him many times, I need you to fill up my love tank in this way, and nothing.

I don't know how to let go. I can't yet. I can't bring myself to do it. It will only end up hurting me in the end, I'm sure it will, but I can't let go yet. I told him "We're done." But there's a stupid, stupid part of me that is hoping for change.

I know it is up to someone to decide that they want to change, but he can't seem to make that decision. I want to just shake him, maybe that will wake him up, or bring back the man I fell in love with. I really don't know, but I want him back. I want him to fix things and fix us.

These Last Few Days

Or shall I say weeks, have been really intense and draining. One moment, I'm planning a wedding and ordering his wedding ring, the next day, I'm sobbing in my computer chair emailing vendors to cancel their services. If that is not a roller coaster of emotions, I don't know what is.

He told me for a long time that I was demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish. I have looked inside, and I really don't see it. I don't. I'm pretty realistic about things, and I know I am not those things to the extent that he was making me to be. We can all be demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish at any time in our lives, but to label someone as that is just hurtful.


I am apparently demanding, selfish, controlling, spoiled, and needy because...

- I ask him to spend time with me when we both have a day off. I'm sorry, I thought that's what couples do when they have free time. Guess I was wrong..?

- I don't like vegetables and refuse to eat them. However, on a night that he made dinner, there were peas flooding the dish, I couldn't get around them. I tried for two seconds, then gave up, and just ate the peas in his yummy dinner. It was delish. I never, EVER eat peas, but I did because he made them.

- I like knowing where he is. Not in a creepy, stalkish sort of way. Just so I know not to call/text/bbm if he's say, at the gym. I'll leave my phone alone for a few hours and wait for him to call. But the problem is.. he doesn't.

- I ask him to drive to town to see me. He's the one that asked me to move out. Why should I drive there? But yano what, I still do sometimes when I really want to see him and he refuses to come see me. I go even though his parents are rude and judgemental toward me.

- I asked him to address is rude and judgemental parents. Because apparently I'm just supposed to deal with it. I understand they are older, are his parents, and deserve respect. I have never been anything but respectful to them. However, I think I deserve a little respect too, as well as be treated like an adult. Not like some 16 year old kid who is a bump on the log and mooching off their son. Excuse me, but I've been working since I was 15, have always had a job (at times two, just because), graduated college in 4 years (rushed the last two so I could graduate at the same time as him. took 16 credits one summer), have clear goals ahead of me, and can take care of myself and their son.

- I asked him to get a new job to make more money for us so we could live on our own. Granted, I don't have a new job, but have been looking and applying for months. He didn't want to get a new job because he didn't want to give up his perks of using the gym on base for free and access to the NEX on base.

- When we did start looking at places to live (even though we couldn't afford it), I was looking in town, when he wanted to live in Kaneohe. Now, I looked in Kaneohe, there was nothing there we could afford, so I had to look in town. And when I did find one in Kaneohe that we might have been able to afford, I asked him to go look at it (yano, since he lives in Kaneohe and is there.. umm.. all the time) he complained and asked why I wouldn't do it. Umm.. because I live in town and have work all week, while you only work at night, and if you do work the day shift, you're done by 2 in the afternoon. Needless to say, he never looked at it.

- When he asked me to move out of his parent's house 5 months out from the wedding, I got upset. Because, well, 5 months out from a wedding, you don't move out and live seperately. I understand that it was because he was sick of the fighting, but avoidance is not the solution to any problem. I have a really good feeling that if he didn't ask me to leave, we would not be where we are right now.

- I wanted him to wear a suit/tux/barong tagalog to our wedding. His arguement.. I want to be comfortable. I totally understood that, so threw the idea of a barong tagalog and tux out, but still pushed for a suit. If we're going to plan this elaborate, kinda formal affair, why would it be okay for you to wear slacks and an untucked aloha shirt? I mean, yes, we're in Hawaii, but if he wore that to our wedding, he would have dressed better for a job interview than our wedding.

- I won't give him time. What he means by that, I have no idea. He wants me to give him time to change I guess? Give him time to plan dates and decide when he wants to see me? See.. that's my problem. Everything is at his convenience. If he doesn't want to see me, he won't, unless I drive to Kaneohe to see him, or he'll just come to see me out of spite because he's tired of hearing me ask.

I don't think it's fair of him to ask for more time, after I've been telling him for months what I need out of him. The only reason he got a second job is because I called off the wedding and let him know I was serious about how unhappy I was, I guess. And he says he stood up to his parents and set them straight, but I don't really know about that one. And that's about it.

I called off the wedding on the 14th, and haven't seen him since the 10th. Today is the 25th, does any of that seem wrong to anyone else? He hasn't come to see me and wouldn't even come into town to just have dinner with me. On the day when I knew he had the entire day off, I asked him to spend time with me. He let me knew he had chores to do, and a tattoo to get, so I asked him to maybe come into town for dinner since he didn't mention anything he had to do at night. Well aparently, I was asking too much and he refused to come.

However, last night, he let me know he was planning to see me on Monday. Woohoo...!

I dunno, it's too little, too late if you ask me.

I'm sorry, I am just so tired and fed up. I have never felt like such a burden to someone before. Never felt like such an inconvenience, and not a priority, and pretty much worthless. Like, there are so many other better things to do in the world than show me any type of affection or sign that I'm important.

If I'm wrong in any way, please tell me, because maybe I'm just not seeing it.


All I ever wanted was to know that he loved me and for him to show it. He didn't. I begged, 'Showwwww Me', and he never did. His response to that, "I need time, you never give me time." Time for what?

Past Happiness

All that happiness down there in my blog makes me sick. How could I have been so stupid. So blindly in love with someone who didn't give a damn about me.

I was selling myself short. Settling. Not good.

I'll leave it there as a reminder to never settle again.

My Heart is Breaking

If not already broken, and this post from LeLove put it perfectly.



The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.

Collapsing inwardly. How perfectly put.

Damaged Goods

No, really, that's how I feel.

If I were a guy, and some chick told me, "I was engaged before." I think that might send up a read flag to me.

I will no longer get to be some guy's girl that they get to experience the joy and love that being engaged for the first time brings. No, I will have a failed engagement behind me. I will have that dread of 'Maybe it won't work out again' and having to plan a wedding all over again. I honestly don't see how I will find joy in planning my wedding again. I was supposed to be planning my one and only wedding, now, it looks like I will have to plan another.

And to make matters worse, I won't get that same excitement either. Never in my life did I imagine that I would be that girl. Yano, the one who gets engaged young and it ends up not working out beings one, or both, of them are too immature and aren't really ready. Nope, never thought that would be me. But sadly, it is. Holy shit, it's me.

I am damaged goods. I am no longer someone's first and they will no longer be mine. I feel cheated.

Maybe You Didn't Understand

That little box, and that ring inside, and all that planning you did to include my grandma and my entire family, maybe you didn't understand what that all meant.

You even took my parents to lunch, and made them sneak around me to have lunch with you. You took them to lunch, to ask for my hand in marriage. You pretty much promised my parents to their face that would take care of me. That you are willing to take over their role of taking care of me. That you would be that man for me.

Thanks for telling me you aren't him and that you aren't willing to put in the effort to be him.

Maybe you didn't understand that when you propose to someone, you're telling them that you're ready. You are ready to be that man and step up to the plate. You are ready to provide for me and take care of me financially, physically, and emotionally. You are promising me those things and that you won't break my heart and let me down. Maybe you didn't understand that.

You said, "I don't want you to have to have to live at my parent's house with me after we get married. I want us to live on our own." That is a great sentiment, but you also don't want to get a job to make more money so we can afford to live on our own.

You said, "I will show you that I love you. I will be more affectionate and show you that you're a priority, I just need time." You had time. Everything I've told you, I've been tellling you for months now. It seems like only now since I called off the wedding, you kind of care. Kind of.

You said, "You wanted me to get a new job to make more money, so I got a second job. If you want affection too, you're going to have to wait. It's either one or the other." No. It's not. You need to be able to do both. And that is not just some crazy demand from me, personally, but from all individuals in a mature, commited relationship.

You said, "I will show you you're my number one priority in life." And then you went out with your friends on the night we were both off from work. That one night a week, that we are both off, and you chose that night. You have other nights off, but you chose that one.

You said, "I'll show you you're a priority in my life, but right now, I need to take care of things for me first." So.. I'm not your first priority?

Maybe you didn't understand. When I was asking you to show me more affection and show me I was you first priority months ago, I meant it. I still mean it. And you still do nothing to show me.

How selfish of you. When I called off the wedding, you didn't even call. You didn't even come see me. I haven't seen you in two weeks as of today. Show me, because you aren't. All you can talk about is how you need to take care of things for youself first and how hurt you are too. Do you not realize that you drove me to a point of hurting so badly that I called off our wedding??

It's not maybe anymore. You don't understand. You can't.

You are too selfish, stubborn, and immature to understand.

We Cancelled The Wedding

The most heart wrenching decision I have ever had to make. He told me he wasn't ready, it was all too much. Who am I to force him? Thanks for the late notice.

"I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.I forgot that I deserve better.

I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on."
- leloveimage.blogspot.com

I'm not moving on from him.. more so.. moving on from this experience. However, I have made it clear that things need to change. We will get married when he is ready for it completely, and if I have still stuck around long enough for that to come. What a sad thought, eh?

One day I feel loved and am planning our wedding with everything I have, and the next day, I am curled up in my computer chair, sobbing for hours. All vendors have been cancelled, but I doubt I will get any deposits back. I paid off my bridesmaids dresses and wedding dress. His wedding ring came in the following day.

All of my wedding things are hidden somewhere thanks to my parents, but my bridesmaids dresses are sitting in my parent's closet. My wedding dress comes in on November 10th, but I'll be selling that. As for what I'm doing with my wedding ring and promise ring, who knows.

I've been rather depressed lately, but you can't blame me, right? My parents have been trying to chear me up with greasy food and alcohol but I don't have much of an appetite. I can't stop looking at wedding things and need to constantly remind myself that I'm not getting married anymore.

I don't know exactly how to describe what I'm feeling. Mad, sad, dissapointed, betrayed.. I guess those are good starters. But I really don't know how to explain it. Oh, I hope this doesn't last very long.