Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Never Look Back

"Lose yourself in me

just wander into my heart

and never look back"

- Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

It's a Start

Ladies and gentleman, I have finally made it to the gym! I have been saying for a long time that I needed to start going, and this breakup has been some great motivation for me.

I was waiting to see when the best deal would be to join the gym, and boy was that a silly move. I could have joined in November for $30 a month with no activation fee but waited to see if a better deal rolled around during Christmas...one didn't. So, I ended up joining this month for $30 a month + $10 initiation fee. Ehh.. not too shabby.

Anyhow, I've been a member for 4 days and only went for the first time last night! Ahh! I was dreading it at first, thought that maybe my smoking would hold me back and affect my cardio and that perhaps I would get tired quickly in general. Wrong! I ran three miles AND lifted some weights! Woo!

I'm so excited to be tiny, and skinny again. I need a new, fresh start and I can't think of a better way to achieve that. Sure, I'm a little sore today, but it's totally worth it. I'm going to start doing more things for myself, and this is going to be one of them.

Monday, January 18, 2010


"The pieces you lack

are waiting inside me

to find you again."

- Daily Haiku on Love by
Tyler Knott Gregson

Saturday, January 16, 2010

I Am Not Here

To feed your ego. Don't get me wrong, I love pushing you and supporting you to be the best you that you can be, but I am not here to sit around and watch you do stupid tricks and dance to Soljah Boy in your car. You're not a circus clown, and I'm not a child waiting to be entertained.

To be the sex you need/want whenever you jump into bed and want it. Don't get me wrong, I love sex just as much as the next person. But don't think you can ignore me all day then jump into bed and get some. Sorry. Not happening.

As an option for you. I should be your priority. Afterall, you did propose to me. I shouldn't take my place after mixing kava with the boys or the gym.

To let you parents disrespect me and pry into my/our personal life. My money is my money, and what I do with it is my business. My quest for a job is just that. Mine. So whatever steps I take to find a new job, and whatever job that may be is my business.

However, I am here...

to love you unconditionally without judging or bad intentions.

to support you in every step you take in life, and be that person you can rely on the always be there for you.

to be the best wife I can be to you, and mother to our future children.

to build a life and future with you.

But I am not here to lay down and let you walk all over me. I am not here to be there whenever it works for you and as you see fit. And, because you thoguht that's what I am here for,

I am not here.

Her Name is Kaui

She's 28 and according to him, is just his new "workout buddy". He works out with her at 24 Hour Fitness, where he's not a member, so in order for them to work out together he has to go out of his way to print out buddy passes or 7 day passes. When he started working two jobs I offered to buy him a 1 year membership to 24 Hour Fitness so he could go to the gym whenever he needed to, he told me, "I don't want to go to 24s". And look where he is now, and to top it off, with another girl.

"Honestly, I went up to her because I thought I knew her." Right. How many times have I heard that? None, actually. But that's a good line to use when you're trying to keep your ass out of trouble.

Oh, to add more salt to my wound, I find out from a friend that they went "island hopping". When I confronted him about it, it took literally 2 days for him to fess up. Those 2 days were spent denying it up the ying-yang and "swearing to God" that he didn't and that he had no idea what I was talking about. Well, day 3 rolled around and he confessed. They went to Maui "spur of the moment" and had separate rooms and that they had only met "a few weeks ago". A few more days of prodding and I get the "
truth". I don't really believe that it is the truth, but it's better than keeping me guessing.

They met early December/late November and have only gone to the gym 3 times. They slept in a hostel in the same room in Maui, but didn't share a bed. Please. I'm calling bullshit that they didn't share a bed. I also don't believe that they stayed in a hostel, but he insists on it. Whatever. To make matters worse, he was talking to me the entire time and telling me he loved me and still wanted to get back together with me.

How do people throw around the words "I love you" so carelessly and freely? Do they not understand the weight that those words hold? Obviously not. Obviously, this same person who can throw around "I love you" doesn't understand the commitement that proposing to someone is either.

Mind Boggling

I really don't understand how people can be so mean, cruel and deceitful to the person that they love. When I was younger, and relationships weren't too serious, and hearts didn't completely grasp what love was, I of course, like most of us, had my share of being on the giving and receiving end of heartbreak. However, I learned from all of those situations and when I found him, I knew that I wanted to love him right and love him completely. I wanted to give him 110% of myself and go above and beyond to make our love beautiful. I thought he thought the same, but I guess not.

I was proposed to, and I immediately shifted from girlfriend to wife mode, and only had our futures in mind. I wanted it to be beautiful and fruitful, and I wanted all of our dreams to come true. I wanted to be in his corner chearing him on in whatever endeavor he decided on taking, and being that person to support him when he loses his footing. And I was all of that and more.

Somewhere along the way, I think he forgot that it is a choice that I make to be his everything and give myself completely. I think he was under the impression that it was what I owed him, not showed him because I wanted to.

I'm not sure when it happened, or how it happened, but somehow I was the last person he wanted anything to do with. I had been nothing but good to him, and he now wanted nothing to do with me. Spending time with me was out of the question, driving to town to see me (after he decided to kick me out) was too much of a burden, talking on the phone with me was too draining, answering a text took up too much of his time.

Then, I find out that there's someone else. He had already broken my heart and thrown me to rock bottom once, never did I think he would do it again. But when I was finally getting my feet back under me, I pulled the rug out from under me and I found myself lying there, on rock bottom, again.

I'm not sure what makes people play with another's heart strings, but whatever that reason is, it's cruel.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

It's Been a Roller Coaster

The past few months have been crazy, to say the least. Since we've broken up, I'll be honest, we haven't stopped talking for one day. Maybe for a few hours, but we've talked every day since. Don't let that confuse you though, we're mean to each other every day. Where the love went, I have no idea, but it has now been replaced with resentment. It truly is a love/hate relationship.

We talk about how we were supposed to work so well, and how things were supposed to have been. The things that didn't work out and the dreams that were shattered. It feels like most of these dreams were mine, and Derek's by association. I don't believe anymore that he wanted what I wanted, and that he dreamed the same dreams, our minds on the same level and our hearts on the same page. I now know that is was all just a show. I'm not sure what type of gain he was getting out of the facade that he put up, but it really does feel completely fake. Like I was living in a lie of a relationship.

I've had a lot of time to think about this and a lot of pain to feel. It's been hard on my heart, my soul, and my entire being. The things that have been done and the hurt that has been inflicted are things that I could never imagine doing to someone in a relationship, especially to someone that I was going to marry.

I hate to say this, but entire experience has made me very skeptical of marriage and the ability to trust someone with my heart again. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be a wedding planner because love is a beautiful thing, but maybe just not for me.