Monday, October 26, 2009
I wish it wasn't broken, I really do. Every ounce of my body and soul is wishing it wasn't broken. What happened? It seems like someone just flipped a switch and took away the person I knew.
I'm a fixer. I like to fix things, I like to help people. Now, I want to fix us. But I can't. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I beg, plead, cry... nothing. It really is broken.
What the fuck happened, can someone tell me? Anyone?
He always tells me, "You changed." I really don't think I've changed in any ways for the worse. I mean, I've matured a little and am taking life a lot more serious now. In the ways that he suggested I changed, I have assured him that it was in reaction to how he changed. I told him many times, I need you to fill up my love tank in this way, and nothing.
I don't know how to let go. I can't yet. I can't bring myself to do it. It will only end up hurting me in the end, I'm sure it will, but I can't let go yet. I told him "We're done." But there's a stupid, stupid part of me that is hoping for change.
I know it is up to someone to decide that they want to change, but he can't seem to make that decision. I want to just shake him, maybe that will wake him up, or bring back the man I fell in love with. I really don't know, but I want him back. I want him to fix things and fix us.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
He told me for a long time that I was demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish. I have looked inside, and I really don't see it. I don't. I'm pretty realistic about things, and I know I am not those things to the extent that he was making me to be. We can all be demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish at any time in our lives, but to label someone as that is just hurtful.
I am apparently demanding, selfish, controlling, spoiled, and needy because...
- I ask him to spend time with me when we both have a day off. I'm sorry, I thought that's what couples do when they have free time. Guess I was wrong..?
- I don't like vegetables and refuse to eat them. However, on a night that he made dinner, there were peas flooding the dish, I couldn't get around them. I tried for two seconds, then gave up, and just ate the peas in his yummy dinner. It was delish. I never, EVER eat peas, but I did because he made them.
- I like knowing where he is. Not in a creepy, stalkish sort of way. Just so I know not to call/text/bbm if he's say, at the gym. I'll leave my phone alone for a few hours and wait for him to call. But the problem is.. he doesn't.
- I ask him to drive to town to see me. He's the one that asked me to move out. Why should I drive there? But yano what, I still do sometimes when I really want to see him and he refuses to come see me. I go even though his parents are rude and judgemental toward me.
- I asked him to address is rude and judgemental parents. Because apparently I'm just supposed to deal with it. I understand they are older, are his parents, and deserve respect. I have never been anything but respectful to them. However, I think I deserve a little respect too, as well as be treated like an adult. Not like some 16 year old kid who is a bump on the log and mooching off their son. Excuse me, but I've been working since I was 15, have always had a job (at times two, just because), graduated college in 4 years (rushed the last two so I could graduate at the same time as him. took 16 credits one summer), have clear goals ahead of me, and can take care of myself and their son.
- I asked him to get a new job to make more money for us so we could live on our own. Granted, I don't have a new job, but have been looking and applying for months. He didn't want to get a new job because he didn't want to give up his perks of using the gym on base for free and access to the NEX on base.
- When we did start looking at places to live (even though we couldn't afford it), I was looking in town, when he wanted to live in Kaneohe. Now, I looked in Kaneohe, there was nothing there we could afford, so I had to look in town. And when I did find one in Kaneohe that we might have been able to afford, I asked him to go look at it (yano, since he lives in Kaneohe and is there.. umm.. all the time) he complained and asked why I wouldn't do it. Umm.. because I live in town and have work all week, while you only work at night, and if you do work the day shift, you're done by 2 in the afternoon. Needless to say, he never looked at it.
- When he asked me to move out of his parent's house 5 months out from the wedding, I got upset. Because, well, 5 months out from a wedding, you don't move out and live seperately. I understand that it was because he was sick of the fighting, but avoidance is not the solution to any problem. I have a really good feeling that if he didn't ask me to leave, we would not be where we are right now.
- I wanted him to wear a suit/tux/barong tagalog to our wedding. His arguement.. I want to be comfortable. I totally understood that, so threw the idea of a barong tagalog and tux out, but still pushed for a suit. If we're going to plan this elaborate, kinda formal affair, why would it be okay for you to wear slacks and an untucked aloha shirt? I mean, yes, we're in Hawaii, but if he wore that to our wedding, he would have dressed better for a job interview than our wedding.
- I won't give him time. What he means by that, I have no idea. He wants me to give him time to change I guess? Give him time to plan dates and decide when he wants to see me? See.. that's my problem. Everything is at his convenience. If he doesn't want to see me, he won't, unless I drive to Kaneohe to see him, or he'll just come to see me out of spite because he's tired of hearing me ask.
I don't think it's fair of him to ask for more time, after I've been telling him for months what I need out of him. The only reason he got a second job is because I called off the wedding and let him know I was serious about how unhappy I was, I guess. And he says he stood up to his parents and set them straight, but I don't really know about that one. And that's about it.
I called off the wedding on the 14th, and haven't seen him since the 10th. Today is the 25th, does any of that seem wrong to anyone else? He hasn't come to see me and wouldn't even come into town to just have dinner with me. On the day when I knew he had the entire day off, I asked him to spend time with me. He let me knew he had chores to do, and a tattoo to get, so I asked him to maybe come into town for dinner since he didn't mention anything he had to do at night. Well aparently, I was asking too much and he refused to come.
However, last night, he let me know he was planning to see me on Monday. Woohoo...!
I dunno, it's too little, too late if you ask me.
I'm sorry, I am just so tired and fed up. I have never felt like such a burden to someone before. Never felt like such an inconvenience, and not a priority, and pretty much worthless. Like, there are so many other better things to do in the world than show me any type of affection or sign that I'm important.
If I'm wrong in any way, please tell me, because maybe I'm just not seeing it.
All I ever wanted was to know that he loved me and for him to show it. He didn't. I begged, 'Showwwww Me', and he never did. His response to that, "I need time, you never give me time." Time for what?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.
Collapsing inwardly. How perfectly put.
If I were a guy, and some chick told me, "I was engaged before." I think that might send up a read flag to me.
I will no longer get to be some guy's girl that they get to experience the joy and love that being engaged for the first time brings. No, I will have a failed engagement behind me. I will have that dread of 'Maybe it won't work out again' and having to plan a wedding all over again. I honestly don't see how I will find joy in planning my wedding again. I was supposed to be planning my one and only wedding, now, it looks like I will have to plan another.
And to make matters worse, I won't get that same excitement either. Never in my life did I imagine that I would be that girl. Yano, the one who gets engaged young and it ends up not working out beings one, or both, of them are too immature and aren't really ready. Nope, never thought that would be me. But sadly, it is. Holy shit, it's me.
I am damaged goods. I am no longer someone's first and they will no longer be mine. I feel cheated.
You even took my parents to lunch, and made them sneak around me to have lunch with you. You took them to lunch, to ask for my hand in marriage. You pretty much promised my parents to their face that would take care of me. That you are willing to take over their role of taking care of me. That you would be that man for me.
Thanks for telling me you aren't him and that you aren't willing to put in the effort to be him.
Maybe you didn't understand that when you propose to someone, you're telling them that you're ready. You are ready to be that man and step up to the plate. You are ready to provide for me and take care of me financially, physically, and emotionally. You are promising me those things and that you won't break my heart and let me down. Maybe you didn't understand that.
You said, "I don't want you to have to have to live at my parent's house with me after we get married. I want us to live on our own." That is a great sentiment, but you also don't want to get a job to make more money so we can afford to live on our own.
You said, "I will show you that I love you. I will be more affectionate and show you that you're a priority, I just need time." You had time. Everything I've told you, I've been tellling you for months now. It seems like only now since I called off the wedding, you kind of care. Kind of.
You said, "You wanted me to get a new job to make more money, so I got a second job. If you want affection too, you're going to have to wait. It's either one or the other." No. It's not. You need to be able to do both. And that is not just some crazy demand from me, personally, but from all individuals in a mature, commited relationship.
You said, "I will show you you're my number one priority in life." And then you went out with your friends on the night we were both off from work. That one night a week, that we are both off, and you chose that night. You have other nights off, but you chose that one.
You said, "I'll show you you're a priority in my life, but right now, I need to take care of things for me first." So.. I'm not your first priority?
Maybe you didn't understand. When I was asking you to show me more affection and show me I was you first priority months ago, I meant it. I still mean it. And you still do nothing to show me.
How selfish of you. When I called off the wedding, you didn't even call. You didn't even come see me. I haven't seen you in two weeks as of today. Show me, because you aren't. All you can talk about is how you need to take care of things for youself first and how hurt you are too. Do you not realize that you drove me to a point of hurting so badly that I called off our wedding??
It's not maybe anymore. You don't understand. You can't.
You are too selfish, stubborn, and immature to understand.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.
I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.
You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on."
I'm not moving on from him.. more so.. moving on from this experience. However, I have made it clear that things need to change. We will get married when he is ready for it completely, and if I have still stuck around long enough for that to come. What a sad thought, eh?
One day I feel loved and am planning our wedding with everything I have, and the next day, I am curled up in my computer chair, sobbing for hours. All vendors have been cancelled, but I doubt I will get any deposits back. I paid off my bridesmaids dresses and wedding dress. His wedding ring came in the following day.
All of my wedding things are hidden somewhere thanks to my parents, but my bridesmaids dresses are sitting in my parent's closet. My wedding dress comes in on November 10th, but I'll be selling that. As for what I'm doing with my wedding ring and promise ring, who knows.
I've been rather depressed lately, but you can't blame me, right? My parents have been trying to chear me up with greasy food and alcohol but I don't have much of an appetite. I can't stop looking at wedding things and need to constantly remind myself that I'm not getting married anymore.
I don't know exactly how to describe what I'm feeling. Mad, sad, dissapointed, betrayed.. I guess those are good starters. But I really don't know how to explain it. Oh, I hope this doesn't last very long.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Is this not just the cutest thing? It is from Etsy seller bbstutus, and I am just in love with this dress! I wanted my flower girl to have a big, poofy, fun dress, but not a traditional flower girl dress. So, I bought her a tutu from Gymboree and thought I could match it with things. Well, I got a little hesitant on that and went on a new search for dresses.
I found some other dresses that were just okay but then I found this and am absolutely in love! I am talking to the maker right now and discussing the color for the dress and flower. Yay!!! Chloe (my cousin's adorable daughter) is going to look so cute in this!! Now.. what shoes shall she wear? Hmmm..
Saturday, October 3, 2009
So.. Derek and I have completely changed our photographer and lost out on our $500 deposit with our old photographer. *GASP* I know, but in the end, we still end up saving $900, which is awesome!!
We decided to move to JacquieRyan Photographic, only to learn that Jacquie will be moving and the company name will be changed to Ryan Best Photography. At first I was a little scared, but looked at his work, and the pictures that made me want to pick their company in the first place are mostly all his!
Ryan's work really speaks to me. I love his use of color and shadows, and the prices are great too! If you want to check out his Flikr to see his work, CLICK HERE. That picture up there of Makapu'u is actually one that Ryan took. Gorgous, right?!
Although it would have been ideal to get at least an engagement shoot out of our old photographer, they were kind enough to give us a portrait session. It'll be a 10-15 minute shoot at Magic Island and we'll get 10 pictures on a CD as well as 25 free cards. We plan on using these as Christmas Cards, and we'll also be including them in the wedding most likely.
Anyhow, please go check out our new photographer, Ryan Best! At first we were a little scared to switch photographers, but now, we feel really great about it =)
Only one of my four bridesmaids are here, but that's good enough for me! I can't wait to see her in it! This whole wedding thing is slowly coming together and seeming more and more real! Only three more months!!
I will be sure to take some pictures of the dresses when me and Ms. Nihon go and try them on. OMG.. so excited!! My other bridesmaids come home in December, so we get to see their dresses then. I hope they know that alterations cost more money too.. uh oh..
Next thing to be excited about? MY dress comes in Novemeber!! Ahhh!!
That said, we had to think of what Derek's friends would really consider useful. Monogrammed cuff links? NO. The only time they ever wear collared shirts is if they're going to a club with dress code, and they don't go to those kinds of clubs. From there we were pretty much stuck. Until I had an epiphany.. Flasks!! His friends love to drink! We can even personalize them with their names! I thought I was brilliant, until I stumbled upon these babies!
What 20 something year old guy who goes out all the time wouldn't want one of these?? I found them\ HERE, and they were only $27.00 with personalization! They are 6 oz. leather wrapped flasks with a super cool 007 compartment for cigarettes and money, but unfortunately they don't fit an ID. Would that not have been perfect if an ID fit in there?? Anyhow, we ordered 5 of them ASAP and we just received them this past week. It only took about 2 weeks for them to come and they look just as cool in person as they do in the picture.
We plan on putting a little thank you note in their 007 compartments, and will also buy them a bottle of their favorite liquor to accompany their flasks.
These things are pretty darn cool if I do say so myself =)
I'm not gonna lie, I have been slacking big time. As in, not watching what I eat and not working out one bit.
Well.. I recently have started working out again. When I say recently, it's like.. for the past 3 days, but really, I'm working my butt off. I've given up on Turbo Jam. It's just too perky for me, and gets old really fast.
Thanks to a fellow bride on Project Wedding, I realized that since I have digital cable I have access to all of Jillian Michael's DVDs for free!! So, in the beginning of September for almost 2 weeks straight, I worked out at least 3 times a week to these DVDs. Those really kicked my butt and made me sweat. I didn't get tired of them, and actually enjoyed these butt kicking workouts! But then life got busy, I worked two 55 hour weeks, and was completely drained every day. Needless to say, my workouts with Jillian Michaels ended there.
Well, three days ago I realized that we only have at the most 2 months before our engagement pictures are taken and I am in really gross shape! Ahhh! So, three days ago I started working out again and it feels really good.
My new goals for every day are to wake up with my abs, arms and butt sore. If they aren't sore, that means I either didn't work out enough or just failed to workout the day before, which sucks. So, with my new found motivation to workout every day and eat a little better, hopefully I will get some good results. I'm honestly hoping for at least 10 lbs. by November, and 20 lbs. by December.
I forgot to mention, I'm also taking Zentrex. I took them a while back, and used to take 2. When I took two I felt so jittery, it was just ridiculous. I would imagine that is what being on crack feels like. Anyhow, now I only take 1, and I take it roughly 1-2 hours before I work out. Just 1 gives me that little kick and boost of engergy I need, and it really helps with my workouts. Once it runs out I plan on buying the entire line of Quick Trim, yano, the Kim Kardashian endorsed product? I've heard that although it makes you feel like you're on crack, you shed a good 10 lbs. in the first week. Nice! Although, I'm sure it's all water weight, but results are results, and that's what I'm lookin' for.
He will wear a tan suit with yellow vest, tie, and pocket square and all the groomsmen will wear brown suits with a yellow vest, tie and pocket square too.
However, last night I get a phone call from one of my BMs sobbing that she got a DUI and I need to pick her up. The poor girl is from Japan and has absolutely NO family here. By the time she called me, she had already been in custody for 2 hours and had been calling anyone and everyone she can think of. They were nice enough to do that, whereas usually they only give you one chance to call someone. When she heard that and the first person didn't answer, she started bawling and told them she has no family, only friends here and that they might not answer because they're either out or sleeping. She said she didn't call me first because she didn't want to wake me up, knowing I had work the next morning at 8am.
So I tell her of course I will pick her up. The officer gives me a number and tells me to call it around 4am to find out what her bail will be. I call, and they tell me they're busy and to call back at 4:30am. Apparently, the check point got a lot of people that night. I call back and find out the bail is $500.. Ahh! So I stumble around getting dressed, throw my hair up in the best bun I could manage half asleep and go get some cash.
So.. I'm armed and ready with my $500 to bail her frightened little Japanese ass out, and they make me wait 20 minutes to even give someone the money, and another 20 for her to come out!
By the time she came out she was totally traumatized. She was so freaked out that they took her shoes and made her walk around bare foot, and she had to pee so badly because she refused to use the toilets in the cell. And I guess the normal crazies were in there so she was getting freaked out by that too. They also kept asking where I was and if I was coming (it took me only 30 minutes to get dressed, get money, and actually get over there!) and telling her that if I don't come they would throw her in jail for the whole weekend (more sobbing.. poor thing).
Anyhow.. by the time I dropped her back off at her car, it was 6am, and she had work at 7. I got home around 6:20am and decided sleeping for another 25 minutes just wasn't worth it.
So now, I am here at work, tired as hell. But the lesson I learned after the night of hell my poor little Japanese friend was put through.. JAIL SUCKS. Seeing how scared she was made me feel so bad for her. Lesson learned.