The past few months have been crazy, to say the least. Since we've broken up, I'll be honest, we haven't stopped talking for one day. Maybe for a few hours, but we've talked every day since. Don't let that confuse you though, we're mean to each other every day. Where the love went, I have no idea, but it has now been replaced with resentment. It truly is a love/hate relationship.
We talk about how we were supposed to work so well, and how things were supposed to have been. The things that didn't work out and the dreams that were shattered. It feels like most of these dreams were mine, and Derek's by association. I don't believe anymore that he wanted what I wanted, and that he dreamed the same dreams, our minds on the same level and our hearts on the same page. I now know that is was all just a show. I'm not sure what type of gain he was getting out of the facade that he put up, but it really does feel completely fake. Like I was living in a lie of a relationship.
I've had a lot of time to think about this and a lot of pain to feel. It's been hard on my heart, my soul, and my entire being. The things that have been done and the hurt that has been inflicted are things that I could never imagine doing to someone in a relationship, especially to someone that I was going to marry.
I hate to say this, but entire experience has made me very skeptical of marriage and the ability to trust someone with my heart again. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be a wedding planner because love is a beautiful thing, but maybe just not for me.