Saturday, November 7, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
There are those rare times you go to WalMart and there is a child who has lost their parents. They are running around, crying hysterically, looking for their parent. They are scared, lost, terrified of not having that one person who makes them feel completely safe and complete and secure.
I am that kid.
Last night, something broke inside of me. I layed in bed, curled into a ball, held myself, and cried. And the entire time, I was was wishing he was there to hold me. Of all people, him. Yes, him. I cried, sobbed, bawled until I couldn't breathe. I fell asleep crying, clinging to all the pillows I could find.
Yesterday was a tough day for me. I felt so alone. I had never felt so lonely before, and it was a strange feeling. To really have nobody to turn to was a ridiculous feeling. I sat alone in a bar and drank for 3 hours. How sad it that? Never in my life did I think I was going to be at this place. I never thought I would be this broken girl, drinking in a bar, alone, and 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
I am that kid in WalMart. Now, I just have to decide whether I'm going to keep running and looking, sit down and cry and wait for him to find me, or find a way to just get my ass out of there. I don't know if I'm ready to stop running and crying while I keep looking for him. I need him.
I know I shouldn't. After everything you've put me through, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. My brain is telling me, "No! Are you crazy?? Move on!" But I can't. My heart is winning right now.
You. Are. My. Heart. I can't let you go.
You have been a part of my life, in every part of my life, forever.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I wish it wasn't broken, I really do. Every ounce of my body and soul is wishing it wasn't broken. What happened? It seems like someone just flipped a switch and took away the person I knew.
I'm a fixer. I like to fix things, I like to help people. Now, I want to fix us. But I can't. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I beg, plead, cry... nothing. It really is broken.
What the fuck happened, can someone tell me? Anyone?
He always tells me, "You changed." I really don't think I've changed in any ways for the worse. I mean, I've matured a little and am taking life a lot more serious now. In the ways that he suggested I changed, I have assured him that it was in reaction to how he changed. I told him many times, I need you to fill up my love tank in this way, and nothing.
I don't know how to let go. I can't yet. I can't bring myself to do it. It will only end up hurting me in the end, I'm sure it will, but I can't let go yet. I told him "We're done." But there's a stupid, stupid part of me that is hoping for change.
I know it is up to someone to decide that they want to change, but he can't seem to make that decision. I want to just shake him, maybe that will wake him up, or bring back the man I fell in love with. I really don't know, but I want him back. I want him to fix things and fix us.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
He told me for a long time that I was demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish. I have looked inside, and I really don't see it. I don't. I'm pretty realistic about things, and I know I am not those things to the extent that he was making me to be. We can all be demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish at any time in our lives, but to label someone as that is just hurtful.
I am apparently demanding, selfish, controlling, spoiled, and needy because...
- I ask him to spend time with me when we both have a day off. I'm sorry, I thought that's what couples do when they have free time. Guess I was wrong..?
- I don't like vegetables and refuse to eat them. However, on a night that he made dinner, there were peas flooding the dish, I couldn't get around them. I tried for two seconds, then gave up, and just ate the peas in his yummy dinner. It was delish. I never, EVER eat peas, but I did because he made them.
- I like knowing where he is. Not in a creepy, stalkish sort of way. Just so I know not to call/text/bbm if he's say, at the gym. I'll leave my phone alone for a few hours and wait for him to call. But the problem is.. he doesn't.
- I ask him to drive to town to see me. He's the one that asked me to move out. Why should I drive there? But yano what, I still do sometimes when I really want to see him and he refuses to come see me. I go even though his parents are rude and judgemental toward me.
- I asked him to address is rude and judgemental parents. Because apparently I'm just supposed to deal with it. I understand they are older, are his parents, and deserve respect. I have never been anything but respectful to them. However, I think I deserve a little respect too, as well as be treated like an adult. Not like some 16 year old kid who is a bump on the log and mooching off their son. Excuse me, but I've been working since I was 15, have always had a job (at times two, just because), graduated college in 4 years (rushed the last two so I could graduate at the same time as him. took 16 credits one summer), have clear goals ahead of me, and can take care of myself and their son.
- I asked him to get a new job to make more money for us so we could live on our own. Granted, I don't have a new job, but have been looking and applying for months. He didn't want to get a new job because he didn't want to give up his perks of using the gym on base for free and access to the NEX on base.
- When we did start looking at places to live (even though we couldn't afford it), I was looking in town, when he wanted to live in Kaneohe. Now, I looked in Kaneohe, there was nothing there we could afford, so I had to look in town. And when I did find one in Kaneohe that we might have been able to afford, I asked him to go look at it (yano, since he lives in Kaneohe and is there.. umm.. all the time) he complained and asked why I wouldn't do it. Umm.. because I live in town and have work all week, while you only work at night, and if you do work the day shift, you're done by 2 in the afternoon. Needless to say, he never looked at it.
- When he asked me to move out of his parent's house 5 months out from the wedding, I got upset. Because, well, 5 months out from a wedding, you don't move out and live seperately. I understand that it was because he was sick of the fighting, but avoidance is not the solution to any problem. I have a really good feeling that if he didn't ask me to leave, we would not be where we are right now.
- I wanted him to wear a suit/tux/barong tagalog to our wedding. His arguement.. I want to be comfortable. I totally understood that, so threw the idea of a barong tagalog and tux out, but still pushed for a suit. If we're going to plan this elaborate, kinda formal affair, why would it be okay for you to wear slacks and an untucked aloha shirt? I mean, yes, we're in Hawaii, but if he wore that to our wedding, he would have dressed better for a job interview than our wedding.
- I won't give him time. What he means by that, I have no idea. He wants me to give him time to change I guess? Give him time to plan dates and decide when he wants to see me? See.. that's my problem. Everything is at his convenience. If he doesn't want to see me, he won't, unless I drive to Kaneohe to see him, or he'll just come to see me out of spite because he's tired of hearing me ask.
I don't think it's fair of him to ask for more time, after I've been telling him for months what I need out of him. The only reason he got a second job is because I called off the wedding and let him know I was serious about how unhappy I was, I guess. And he says he stood up to his parents and set them straight, but I don't really know about that one. And that's about it.
I called off the wedding on the 14th, and haven't seen him since the 10th. Today is the 25th, does any of that seem wrong to anyone else? He hasn't come to see me and wouldn't even come into town to just have dinner with me. On the day when I knew he had the entire day off, I asked him to spend time with me. He let me knew he had chores to do, and a tattoo to get, so I asked him to maybe come into town for dinner since he didn't mention anything he had to do at night. Well aparently, I was asking too much and he refused to come.
However, last night, he let me know he was planning to see me on Monday. Woohoo...!
I dunno, it's too little, too late if you ask me.
I'm sorry, I am just so tired and fed up. I have never felt like such a burden to someone before. Never felt like such an inconvenience, and not a priority, and pretty much worthless. Like, there are so many other better things to do in the world than show me any type of affection or sign that I'm important.
If I'm wrong in any way, please tell me, because maybe I'm just not seeing it.
All I ever wanted was to know that he loved me and for him to show it. He didn't. I begged, 'Showwwww Me', and he never did. His response to that, "I need time, you never give me time." Time for what?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.
Collapsing inwardly. How perfectly put.
If I were a guy, and some chick told me, "I was engaged before." I think that might send up a read flag to me.
I will no longer get to be some guy's girl that they get to experience the joy and love that being engaged for the first time brings. No, I will have a failed engagement behind me. I will have that dread of 'Maybe it won't work out again' and having to plan a wedding all over again. I honestly don't see how I will find joy in planning my wedding again. I was supposed to be planning my one and only wedding, now, it looks like I will have to plan another.
And to make matters worse, I won't get that same excitement either. Never in my life did I imagine that I would be that girl. Yano, the one who gets engaged young and it ends up not working out beings one, or both, of them are too immature and aren't really ready. Nope, never thought that would be me. But sadly, it is. Holy shit, it's me.
I am damaged goods. I am no longer someone's first and they will no longer be mine. I feel cheated.
You even took my parents to lunch, and made them sneak around me to have lunch with you. You took them to lunch, to ask for my hand in marriage. You pretty much promised my parents to their face that would take care of me. That you are willing to take over their role of taking care of me. That you would be that man for me.
Thanks for telling me you aren't him and that you aren't willing to put in the effort to be him.
Maybe you didn't understand that when you propose to someone, you're telling them that you're ready. You are ready to be that man and step up to the plate. You are ready to provide for me and take care of me financially, physically, and emotionally. You are promising me those things and that you won't break my heart and let me down. Maybe you didn't understand that.
You said, "I don't want you to have to have to live at my parent's house with me after we get married. I want us to live on our own." That is a great sentiment, but you also don't want to get a job to make more money so we can afford to live on our own.
You said, "I will show you that I love you. I will be more affectionate and show you that you're a priority, I just need time." You had time. Everything I've told you, I've been tellling you for months now. It seems like only now since I called off the wedding, you kind of care. Kind of.
You said, "You wanted me to get a new job to make more money, so I got a second job. If you want affection too, you're going to have to wait. It's either one or the other." No. It's not. You need to be able to do both. And that is not just some crazy demand from me, personally, but from all individuals in a mature, commited relationship.
You said, "I will show you you're my number one priority in life." And then you went out with your friends on the night we were both off from work. That one night a week, that we are both off, and you chose that night. You have other nights off, but you chose that one.
You said, "I'll show you you're a priority in my life, but right now, I need to take care of things for me first." So.. I'm not your first priority?
Maybe you didn't understand. When I was asking you to show me more affection and show me I was you first priority months ago, I meant it. I still mean it. And you still do nothing to show me.
How selfish of you. When I called off the wedding, you didn't even call. You didn't even come see me. I haven't seen you in two weeks as of today. Show me, because you aren't. All you can talk about is how you need to take care of things for youself first and how hurt you are too. Do you not realize that you drove me to a point of hurting so badly that I called off our wedding??
It's not maybe anymore. You don't understand. You can't.
You are too selfish, stubborn, and immature to understand.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.
I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.
You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on."
I'm not moving on from him.. more so.. moving on from this experience. However, I have made it clear that things need to change. We will get married when he is ready for it completely, and if I have still stuck around long enough for that to come. What a sad thought, eh?
One day I feel loved and am planning our wedding with everything I have, and the next day, I am curled up in my computer chair, sobbing for hours. All vendors have been cancelled, but I doubt I will get any deposits back. I paid off my bridesmaids dresses and wedding dress. His wedding ring came in the following day.
All of my wedding things are hidden somewhere thanks to my parents, but my bridesmaids dresses are sitting in my parent's closet. My wedding dress comes in on November 10th, but I'll be selling that. As for what I'm doing with my wedding ring and promise ring, who knows.
I've been rather depressed lately, but you can't blame me, right? My parents have been trying to chear me up with greasy food and alcohol but I don't have much of an appetite. I can't stop looking at wedding things and need to constantly remind myself that I'm not getting married anymore.
I don't know exactly how to describe what I'm feeling. Mad, sad, dissapointed, betrayed.. I guess those are good starters. But I really don't know how to explain it. Oh, I hope this doesn't last very long.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Is this not just the cutest thing? It is from Etsy seller bbstutus, and I am just in love with this dress! I wanted my flower girl to have a big, poofy, fun dress, but not a traditional flower girl dress. So, I bought her a tutu from Gymboree and thought I could match it with things. Well, I got a little hesitant on that and went on a new search for dresses.
I found some other dresses that were just okay but then I found this and am absolutely in love! I am talking to the maker right now and discussing the color for the dress and flower. Yay!!! Chloe (my cousin's adorable daughter) is going to look so cute in this!! Now.. what shoes shall she wear? Hmmm..
Saturday, October 3, 2009
So.. Derek and I have completely changed our photographer and lost out on our $500 deposit with our old photographer. *GASP* I know, but in the end, we still end up saving $900, which is awesome!!
We decided to move to JacquieRyan Photographic, only to learn that Jacquie will be moving and the company name will be changed to Ryan Best Photography. At first I was a little scared, but looked at his work, and the pictures that made me want to pick their company in the first place are mostly all his!
Ryan's work really speaks to me. I love his use of color and shadows, and the prices are great too! If you want to check out his Flikr to see his work, CLICK HERE. That picture up there of Makapu'u is actually one that Ryan took. Gorgous, right?!
Although it would have been ideal to get at least an engagement shoot out of our old photographer, they were kind enough to give us a portrait session. It'll be a 10-15 minute shoot at Magic Island and we'll get 10 pictures on a CD as well as 25 free cards. We plan on using these as Christmas Cards, and we'll also be including them in the wedding most likely.
Anyhow, please go check out our new photographer, Ryan Best! At first we were a little scared to switch photographers, but now, we feel really great about it =)
Only one of my four bridesmaids are here, but that's good enough for me! I can't wait to see her in it! This whole wedding thing is slowly coming together and seeming more and more real! Only three more months!!
I will be sure to take some pictures of the dresses when me and Ms. Nihon go and try them on. OMG.. so excited!! My other bridesmaids come home in December, so we get to see their dresses then. I hope they know that alterations cost more money too.. uh oh..
Next thing to be excited about? MY dress comes in Novemeber!! Ahhh!!
That said, we had to think of what Derek's friends would really consider useful. Monogrammed cuff links? NO. The only time they ever wear collared shirts is if they're going to a club with dress code, and they don't go to those kinds of clubs. From there we were pretty much stuck. Until I had an epiphany.. Flasks!! His friends love to drink! We can even personalize them with their names! I thought I was brilliant, until I stumbled upon these babies!
What 20 something year old guy who goes out all the time wouldn't want one of these?? I found them\ HERE, and they were only $27.00 with personalization! They are 6 oz. leather wrapped flasks with a super cool 007 compartment for cigarettes and money, but unfortunately they don't fit an ID. Would that not have been perfect if an ID fit in there?? Anyhow, we ordered 5 of them ASAP and we just received them this past week. It only took about 2 weeks for them to come and they look just as cool in person as they do in the picture.
We plan on putting a little thank you note in their 007 compartments, and will also buy them a bottle of their favorite liquor to accompany their flasks.
These things are pretty darn cool if I do say so myself =)
I'm not gonna lie, I have been slacking big time. As in, not watching what I eat and not working out one bit.
Well.. I recently have started working out again. When I say recently, it's like.. for the past 3 days, but really, I'm working my butt off. I've given up on Turbo Jam. It's just too perky for me, and gets old really fast.
Thanks to a fellow bride on Project Wedding, I realized that since I have digital cable I have access to all of Jillian Michael's DVDs for free!! So, in the beginning of September for almost 2 weeks straight, I worked out at least 3 times a week to these DVDs. Those really kicked my butt and made me sweat. I didn't get tired of them, and actually enjoyed these butt kicking workouts! But then life got busy, I worked two 55 hour weeks, and was completely drained every day. Needless to say, my workouts with Jillian Michaels ended there.
Well, three days ago I realized that we only have at the most 2 months before our engagement pictures are taken and I am in really gross shape! Ahhh! So, three days ago I started working out again and it feels really good.
My new goals for every day are to wake up with my abs, arms and butt sore. If they aren't sore, that means I either didn't work out enough or just failed to workout the day before, which sucks. So, with my new found motivation to workout every day and eat a little better, hopefully I will get some good results. I'm honestly hoping for at least 10 lbs. by November, and 20 lbs. by December.
I forgot to mention, I'm also taking Zentrex. I took them a while back, and used to take 2. When I took two I felt so jittery, it was just ridiculous. I would imagine that is what being on crack feels like. Anyhow, now I only take 1, and I take it roughly 1-2 hours before I work out. Just 1 gives me that little kick and boost of engergy I need, and it really helps with my workouts. Once it runs out I plan on buying the entire line of Quick Trim, yano, the Kim Kardashian endorsed product? I've heard that although it makes you feel like you're on crack, you shed a good 10 lbs. in the first week. Nice! Although, I'm sure it's all water weight, but results are results, and that's what I'm lookin' for.
He will wear a tan suit with yellow vest, tie, and pocket square and all the groomsmen will wear brown suits with a yellow vest, tie and pocket square too.
However, last night I get a phone call from one of my BMs sobbing that she got a DUI and I need to pick her up. The poor girl is from Japan and has absolutely NO family here. By the time she called me, she had already been in custody for 2 hours and had been calling anyone and everyone she can think of. They were nice enough to do that, whereas usually they only give you one chance to call someone. When she heard that and the first person didn't answer, she started bawling and told them she has no family, only friends here and that they might not answer because they're either out or sleeping. She said she didn't call me first because she didn't want to wake me up, knowing I had work the next morning at 8am.
So I tell her of course I will pick her up. The officer gives me a number and tells me to call it around 4am to find out what her bail will be. I call, and they tell me they're busy and to call back at 4:30am. Apparently, the check point got a lot of people that night. I call back and find out the bail is $500.. Ahh! So I stumble around getting dressed, throw my hair up in the best bun I could manage half asleep and go get some cash.
So.. I'm armed and ready with my $500 to bail her frightened little Japanese ass out, and they make me wait 20 minutes to even give someone the money, and another 20 for her to come out!
By the time she came out she was totally traumatized. She was so freaked out that they took her shoes and made her walk around bare foot, and she had to pee so badly because she refused to use the toilets in the cell. And I guess the normal crazies were in there so she was getting freaked out by that too. They also kept asking where I was and if I was coming (it took me only 30 minutes to get dressed, get money, and actually get over there!) and telling her that if I don't come they would throw her in jail for the whole weekend (more sobbing.. poor thing).
Anyhow.. by the time I dropped her back off at her car, it was 6am, and she had work at 7. I got home around 6:20am and decided sleeping for another 25 minutes just wasn't worth it.
So now, I am here at work, tired as hell. But the lesson I learned after the night of hell my poor little Japanese friend was put through.. JAIL SUCKS. Seeing how scared she was made me feel so bad for her. Lesson learned.
Friday, September 11, 2009
If there is ever a day that I am feeling down and need a pick me up, or need a love boost and the hubs isn't around, I turn to this blog.
They have the best pictures, emails, phrases, everything - for a warms your heart feeling.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I have just been incredibly busy with life and work and more life. Bleh. It should be pretty hectic for the next two weeks, but I have a lot to tell you!
Maybe I'll get a good blog in during work sometime this week.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I love how fluffy and chic and girly they look, yet, it looks like they may be an arm and a leg. Aren't they just gorgeous? I was then told that maybe I should pick a bloom in season, or available year round. Boo. So then I turned to hydrangeas. I love how round and full they are, but still, they didn't seem to hit the spot.
Since then, I've been looking and looking to find a bouquet I like. As I may have mentioned before, I really like the whole, "simple, but not" look. That is when I came across these lovelies!
I absolutely love how different they are! And they look so simple, like one large bloom, but they aren't! They are many little petals put together to look like one large bloom.. LOVE! I'm really liking how fragile they look, and they totally have the "simple, but not" thing going on. The Hawaii florist that is linked to the lovely creations is Flower Girls Hawaii.
You better trust and believe that I already emailed them, girl! I am really loving these two designs. If they could do a white version of the one on the right for myself, and a version of the one on the left, only with yellow instead of purple, and a tad bit smaller for the bridesmaids, then hunny, we're in! Or maybe even, the one on the right in all yellow for the girls and the one on the right with yellow for me. What do you think? Who should have which arrangement?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
So I finally made it to one of my favorite places to eat Ramen, Goma Tei. Goma Tei's first restaurant was located at Ward Center, but can now also be conveniently found at Ala Moana, right between the ABC store and GNC on the Makai side of the mall.
When we arrived it was actually right in the middle of lunch, and we were lucky enough to find the last spot at the counter. Most people who came in after us had to wait a little bit for a place to clear out, but they eventually got to enjoy the goodness of Goma Tei.
We sat down and the server handed us menus, which we quickly gave back, telling him we already knew what we wanted. As usual, I ordered the Shoyu Ramen completely plain (because I'm very picky), so that means pretty much only noodles and broth. The picture is actually of my friend's Shoyu Ramen with the large portion of char siu and there usually is a generous portion of choy sum in there as well, but she ordered it without.
For my side dish I ordered a small curry and rice, but sorry there is no picture! I was so excited to eat it when it came that I completely forgot to take a picture until it was too late and the only thing left was a few pieces of rice and curry sauce. Nonetheless, it was yummmmy.
Yep, that's it! I completely finished my bowl of delish ramen. I always leave there satisfied and don't have to eat for quite a few hours, haha.
Also, if you still aren't convinced, my friend from Japan, Miss Nihon-jin, swears that this is the best ramen on Oahu that she has been able to find after her 7 years of being here. Yes, yes, there is Tenkaipin on Kapahulu to eat at, but we went there and really weren't impressed. The broth was oily and the service was terrible. They even reminded Miss Nihon-jin that the tip was separate.. RUDE! Let's just say they didn't get very much of a tip. Actually, Miss Nihon-jin comes from the area in Japan where the original Tenkaipin Ramen was started and says the one here is disgusting compared to the one in Japan.
Lesson learned.. if you want ramen, visit Goma Tei!! You won't be disappointed! And if you do go, leave me a comment and let me know what you had and how it was. Enjoy!
P.S. I promise my post about Kanpai is coming up soon. I was actually there for a good 7 hours on Thursday night, but I'll save that for later ; )
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I'm heading out in a few minutes for lunch with one of my besties, and we'll most likely end up at Goma Tei. Goma Tei is one of my absolute favorite places to go for ramen, and Ms. Nihon and I usually end up there when we're hungry. I'll also be scampering over to Kanpai tonight for some dinner, drinks, and good company.
Stay tuned for some pictaposts on both these restaurants, as well as my personal raves (& hopefully not rants) about their food, service, ambiance, etc.
Here's to good food and good friends!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I think I may have found another site that may be a tad bit more helpful, but I'm not holding my breath. Damn you, shipping to Hawaii! Why must you be so expensive and cumbersome!
Does anyone know of where I could get manzanita branches in Hawaii to create my centerpieces? Or how about a mainland distributor that wouldn't ask me to pay an arm and a leg for shipping? I need 18-22 branches, I'm hoping for a rather large width of about 24"-36" and the height.. well.. I'm not too sure, but maybe 3 feet tall?
I'm just a twenty something year old gal, trying to throw a dream wedding on a budget. Help!!
If I'm really trying to lose close to 40 pounds in 3-4 months, I better get on it, and fast! I haven't been very motivated to go the gym lately, but I stumbled upon the blog of a woman who is trying her best to lose weight as well. It really motivated me, and actually pointed me toward a great fitness website, FitDay.com. It is a FREE website, and allows you to track what you eat, how much of it you eat, and then breaks it down by caloric intake and what percentage of your diet is carbs, protein, etc. It also is helpful because it tells you an estimate of how many calories you burn in a day, how many you should restrict yourself from eating if trying to reach your certain goal, and then how many calories you're "allowed" to eat to assist in that goal.
That said, I'm allowed roughly 1,200 calories a day if I want to sit around and do nothing. BUT the good thing about this website is that is makes you feel a tad guilty when the pie chart shows that you're eating more that 50% carbs. Thanks for the visual guilt, but it's working!
So.. that said. Since I discovered this blog and FitDay.com, I have been motivated to actually work out tonight. Yes, I do plan on eating a large hefty bowl of ramen tonight, but maybe I'll be able to abstain from eating the curry and rice. Oooohh but it's SO good. I need too! I have a friend in need and that is her comfort food, and of course I need to accompany her, so, I will. But, we'll see how the no curry thing goes, I'll let you know.
I actually haven't worked out in a few weeks due to some unnecessary stress. However, knowing that I plan on working out tonight has a little part inside of me excited. Good thing we're going to dinner early. That way, if she wants to go back to her house and sit around, we can. Then I will pull myself away around 11 at the latest, go home, and pop in my Turbo Sculpt DVD and get going.
Ugh.. it's so hard to be motivated. But I will do it, I need to. I am fully aware of the need to look hot on my wedding day, but where has my motivation gone?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
So, since you probably don't know, I love rice. I eat it with every meal; yes, breakfast, lunch and dinner. A hard concept unless you're from Hawaii, and if you are, you know what I'm talking about.
Breakfast - Rice w/ furikake on top and a side of bacon.
Lunch - Perhaps some chicken katsu and rice.
Dinner - Chicken, vegetable curry and rice.
That is honestly how my days used to go. I love, love, love rice. My freshman year of highschool I would eat a bowl of rice with Aloha shoyu for lunch almost everyday. Horrible, I know, but so fricken good!
That said, for the past two weeks I have not had one bite of white rice, which is a serious accomplishment. If anything, I would eat brown rice, and since I don't like brown rice, I didn't eat very much of it. I've pretty much been sticking to proteins, fruit and the few veggies that I do like.
For example, one of my most favorite meals to eat now is a salad of romaine lettuce topped with Safeway brand chicken tenders and some Kraft Ceasar Vinegarette dressing (70 calories per tbsp). Yummm. I know chicken tenders don't sound that great, but it's protein, and it's better that I eat that, than rice.
Although you may think my logic is a little off, the way I see it, I'm eating a lot better now than I used to, which is a step in the right direction. I've also been eating a lot of grilled or baked chicken. So, if you know of any good recipes for baked, please let me know!
Once we found our cake, we had a tasting with our baker, Vikki of Sunshine Cake Creations. Oh Vikki, she is really one of the sweetest people I've ever met. She has a wonderful passion for her craft, and I love it. I even jokingly said that I wanted to come help her bake things and she, non-jokingly, said come on down! Ahh! I may take her up on that offer, how fun!
Well, it was a rather large tasting - Mr., Miss. Nebraska, Miss. Vegas & her bf, and our friend Miss. UH. Regardless, everyone present got to tast Vikki's yummy-yum-yum flavors and we were not disappointed! We tasted (let's hope I can remember them all) guava, strawberry guava, chocolate w/ coconut filling, chocolate hazel crunch, and red velvet. Don't they all sound delish! Well, of all of those, Mr. and I chose the strawberry guava and chocolate hazel crunch. We still have to decide on two more flavors for the top tier and the sheet cake. We have another tasting coming up, and can't wait! One of the flavors up for the next tasting.. chocolate guiness, how exciting!!
Like I mentioned a little earlier, Vikki is amazing! She is going to make us sugar flowers, and we may even ask her to make us a cake topper! Shall it be a mini bride and groom or our initial? We aren't sure yet, but whatever we get, we know it will be amazing (and one less DIY project for me).
Oahu Brides! I strongly suggest that if you are looking for a high quality cake, with great pricing, and amazing customer service, you turn to Vikki of Sunshine Cake Creations. Check out the gallery on her webpage, and take a peek at her flavors, you won't be dissapointed!!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
As for the shade of yellow, it has changed to a pale yellow. One reason was that the company we are ordering the invitations from doesn't have sunflower yellow, and I also didn't really love the sunflower yellow color. It was too.. bright for us.
So, that brings me to the flowers.. no sunflowers, anywhere! Yep, that entire idea has been nixed. After thinking about it a little more, sunflowers were too cute, and we really want a sultry, shmexy feeling wedding and reception. More of a cozy, intimate feeling, rather than a bouncy, sunshine, hip-hip-hoorah wedding. Make sense? Geez.. I hope. Not that we don't want it to feel happy, just not so... perky. There. That describes it!
So, that brings us to the centerpieces! After deciding on no sunflowers, I panicked a little as to what we were now going to use as our centerpieces. I don't really like fluffy centerpieces, but still wanted the yellow. That's when I came across this bad boy. As soon as I saw it, I was in la-la-la-loveee. It's shmexy, and whimsy, and beautiful, yet fun. Perfect.
And so the search began for branches. Manzanita branches to be exact. Being that I live on a chain of rocks in the middle of the Pacific, we don't have much. I've looked around at our 5 or so craft stores (It's so sad. No Michaels, A.C. Moore, Jo Ann's. Boo.) and haven't been able to find these types of branches. Soo.. I turned to the internet, and came across an extremely helpfull and pretty cheap website, Blooms and Branches. They have 18 manzanita branches, ranging from 18" - 24" for only $129.00 with shipping included!! That comes out to $7.17 per branch, including shipping! Most branches are around that price just for the branch! I have yet to order them, but hopefully their "shipping included" bit applies to Hawaii. *fingers crossed* Nope. It doesn't.. just checked. Dammit! Why does nobody like our state?
Stay tuned to find out where I eventually get these lovely branches.
As for the flowers, yellow cymbidium orchids, my cousin's friend's friend is a wholesaler of tropical flowers, so I'm hoping we'll get those cheap. We're still waiting to hear back about those though. I really can't wait to start making these! However, I'm not too sure how to get the branch to stay. Some people use cement, but I think that's a bit extreme, plus, I want to have those little flowers filling the vase. Any ideas??
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I didn't actually stay up until 2 am and call in, my cousin somehow burnt me a copy, and voila, I have Turbo Jam! I was a little skeptical at first to try it out, but my wedding dress guilt crept up on me, and I threw in the Learn & Burn DVD. Right there, hooked! I was actually tired when I did this, and actually got in a good workout! The next day, my abs were sore!!
I've done the 20 minute workout, and that is a nice workout if you really need to work out but don't have much time. However, I've learned with Turbo Jam (and Chaleene tells you this), you get what you put in. So, if you aren't shakin and groovin, punching and kicking with the effort you could/should be putting in, don't expect quick results.
I did the Turbo Sculpt for the first time the other day, and my booty got kicked! 45 minutes of working out pretty much evey muscle in your body! I knew I worked hard, but didn't think I had really given it my all, until I woke up the next morning and my arms and legs were aching! I'm so hooked. Losing 40 pounds is definitly worth good pain like that!
Another workout that I'm a fan of is the Ab Jam. I do that after I do either the Turbo Sculpt or the 20 minute work out. I do it the Ab Jam for even more of an ab workout. In all of the DVDs Chaleen does an ab workout, but since my tummy is one of my problem areas, I want to put in as much effort as I can!
However, I am sad to say that I have yet to try the Cardoio Party. Maybe I'll try it some time this week. Cardio really scares me for some reason! I was a competitive swimmer since age 8, and stopped in high school to start playing water polo. It's not like I have no cardio, I dunno, if I'm not swimming, I don't have it. I have never been able to run, and the thought of running just makes me want to find a hole and crawl in.
On top of the wonderful Turbo Jam army, I've been going to the gym if I'm not doing Turbo Jam, so I'm staying pretty active. I found out our gym offers some great Pilates, Yoga, PiYo (Pilates & Yoga) classes, so I've been taking advantage of those.
Must. Lose. Weight! Maybe as motivation, I'll take a picture of myself from the front & side everyday and see what type of progress i make/don't make.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My dress comes in October 16th!! I'm not going to get my hopes up though, I'll give the dress shop a few weeks leeway. As long as it gets here! I can't wait! Ugh, the girls there might be a teensy bit upset when they see how much weight I lost! If I lose it. I can! I can! But anyhow, yay for dress updates!!
It is official! After trying on at least 15 gowns, I have chosen this dress as "the one" that I will be walking down the aisle in. I can't believe it, I really can't belive I have found my dress. I actually never thought I would have a dress with beading and lace and so much to it, but I absolutely LOVE it! Before finding this dress on, I tried on dresses that were covered in lace, completely sleek with no detail, dresses with no train, and nothing with a fitted bodice at all! I thought I didn't want beads, a fitted bodice, or a long train to lug around the reception. Little did I know know, huh?!
What makes this dress even more special to me is that it was chosen by my MOH, Ms. Nebraska, whom I have been best friends with since we were 3 years old in pre-school. The boutique we went into handed us booklets full of the dresses they currently had in stock to try on, which we found very helpful. We didn't have to search through dresses and look at them, wondering what they looked like on an actual body, nore did I have to try to explain to them what I wanted. I appreciate people like this, I just love that they waste nobody's time! Anyhoo.. Ms. Nebraska was thumbing through the pages and suggested I try this dress on. The picture really doesn't do it justice, so I was a little hesitant, but she pulled the "c'mon, friends forever, pleaaaase." bit, so I did. The moment I put it on, I was in love. I couldn't believe how much I loved the dress!
The angled detailing on the dress is my favorite part, but I really do love the beading all over; which is surprising, because every time anything with beading was suggested I turned it away! I also love the side pleating (see 1st pic). It makes the dress feel like there is more structure and dimension to the dress. I also really love the way the dress hugs my body. Although the dress I tried on was small for me, I'm on a weight loss mission and plan to look ultra svelt on wedding day.
The other part that really surpirsed me about the dress that I love is the train. I never thought I would want a train on my dress because I didn't want to carry it around at my reception! That said, I thought the solution would be to buy a cute, short, reception dress, but boy am I wrong! When I put the dress on, I didn't want to take it off, and I can't imagine I will want to throughout the entire celebration! It also looks really cute with the bussel/bussle/busel (spelling??), and I was sold!
I ordered my dress on July 6th and am so excited for it to come in! I've been busting my bum to work out at least 4 times a week and Mr. is really trying to help with my diet. I'm such a picky eater, and will admit that I am a brat, but he is so patient and puts up with me and the brattiness. My weight loss goal is 40 pounds (okay..maybe 30 pounds) to be lost by the time the dress comes in or by the time my final fitting comes around. I have roughly 6 months left to do this, and I'm already down 5 pounds. Not a whole lot, but it's a step in the right direction! I know that may sound a bit extreme, but when I first met Mr., I was 135-140 pounds, I now weigh...drum roll please...180 pounds. Well, 175 pounds now, but still. That is way to much weight! I want to look great for the best day of my life (thus far), and also look smokin' in my wedding pictures. I'll do a post a little later on what I'm doing to work toward my weight loss goals. Let's just say, my arms and legs hurt badly today, thanks to yesterday's workout.