Sunday, October 25, 2009

These Last Few Days

Or shall I say weeks, have been really intense and draining. One moment, I'm planning a wedding and ordering his wedding ring, the next day, I'm sobbing in my computer chair emailing vendors to cancel their services. If that is not a roller coaster of emotions, I don't know what is.

He told me for a long time that I was demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish. I have looked inside, and I really don't see it. I don't. I'm pretty realistic about things, and I know I am not those things to the extent that he was making me to be. We can all be demanding, controlling, needy, and selfish at any time in our lives, but to label someone as that is just hurtful.

I am apparently demanding, selfish, controlling, spoiled, and needy because...

- I ask him to spend time with me when we both have a day off. I'm sorry, I thought that's what couples do when they have free time. Guess I was wrong..?

- I don't like vegetables and refuse to eat them. However, on a night that he made dinner, there were peas flooding the dish, I couldn't get around them. I tried for two seconds, then gave up, and just ate the peas in his yummy dinner. It was delish. I never, EVER eat peas, but I did because he made them.

- I like knowing where he is. Not in a creepy, stalkish sort of way. Just so I know not to call/text/bbm if he's say, at the gym. I'll leave my phone alone for a few hours and wait for him to call. But the problem is.. he doesn't.

- I ask him to drive to town to see me. He's the one that asked me to move out. Why should I drive there? But yano what, I still do sometimes when I really want to see him and he refuses to come see me. I go even though his parents are rude and judgemental toward me.

- I asked him to address is rude and judgemental parents. Because apparently I'm just supposed to deal with it. I understand they are older, are his parents, and deserve respect. I have never been anything but respectful to them. However, I think I deserve a little respect too, as well as be treated like an adult. Not like some 16 year old kid who is a bump on the log and mooching off their son. Excuse me, but I've been working since I was 15, have always had a job (at times two, just because), graduated college in 4 years (rushed the last two so I could graduate at the same time as him. took 16 credits one summer), have clear goals ahead of me, and can take care of myself and their son.

- I asked him to get a new job to make more money for us so we could live on our own. Granted, I don't have a new job, but have been looking and applying for months. He didn't want to get a new job because he didn't want to give up his perks of using the gym on base for free and access to the NEX on base.

- When we did start looking at places to live (even though we couldn't afford it), I was looking in town, when he wanted to live in Kaneohe. Now, I looked in Kaneohe, there was nothing there we could afford, so I had to look in town. And when I did find one in Kaneohe that we might have been able to afford, I asked him to go look at it (yano, since he lives in Kaneohe and is there.. umm.. all the time) he complained and asked why I wouldn't do it. Umm.. because I live in town and have work all week, while you only work at night, and if you do work the day shift, you're done by 2 in the afternoon. Needless to say, he never looked at it.

- When he asked me to move out of his parent's house 5 months out from the wedding, I got upset. Because, well, 5 months out from a wedding, you don't move out and live seperately. I understand that it was because he was sick of the fighting, but avoidance is not the solution to any problem. I have a really good feeling that if he didn't ask me to leave, we would not be where we are right now.

- I wanted him to wear a suit/tux/barong tagalog to our wedding. His arguement.. I want to be comfortable. I totally understood that, so threw the idea of a barong tagalog and tux out, but still pushed for a suit. If we're going to plan this elaborate, kinda formal affair, why would it be okay for you to wear slacks and an untucked aloha shirt? I mean, yes, we're in Hawaii, but if he wore that to our wedding, he would have dressed better for a job interview than our wedding.

- I won't give him time. What he means by that, I have no idea. He wants me to give him time to change I guess? Give him time to plan dates and decide when he wants to see me? See.. that's my problem. Everything is at his convenience. If he doesn't want to see me, he won't, unless I drive to Kaneohe to see him, or he'll just come to see me out of spite because he's tired of hearing me ask.

I don't think it's fair of him to ask for more time, after I've been telling him for months what I need out of him. The only reason he got a second job is because I called off the wedding and let him know I was serious about how unhappy I was, I guess. And he says he stood up to his parents and set them straight, but I don't really know about that one. And that's about it.

I called off the wedding on the 14th, and haven't seen him since the 10th. Today is the 25th, does any of that seem wrong to anyone else? He hasn't come to see me and wouldn't even come into town to just have dinner with me. On the day when I knew he had the entire day off, I asked him to spend time with me. He let me knew he had chores to do, and a tattoo to get, so I asked him to maybe come into town for dinner since he didn't mention anything he had to do at night. Well aparently, I was asking too much and he refused to come.

However, last night, he let me know he was planning to see me on Monday. Woohoo...!

I dunno, it's too little, too late if you ask me.

I'm sorry, I am just so tired and fed up. I have never felt like such a burden to someone before. Never felt like such an inconvenience, and not a priority, and pretty much worthless. Like, there are so many other better things to do in the world than show me any type of affection or sign that I'm important.

If I'm wrong in any way, please tell me, because maybe I'm just not seeing it.

All I ever wanted was to know that he loved me and for him to show it. He didn't. I begged, 'Showwwww Me', and he never did. His response to that, "I need time, you never give me time." Time for what?


  1. Sounds like you're better off without him.

    It's a HUGE decision to commit yourself to someone& sounds like, he was a child- still unwilling to give himmself fully to you& the relationship.

    I know it's difficult to accept but time is the greatest healer, honest.

  2. he doesn't love you. that's for sure.... he's with you just to have something to hold on to...but not for love... He doesn't deserve you! you sound lik an intelligent and determined girl! do your plans without him, it will work terrific for you,and you will find that certain someone will see.
    cheer up!

  3. The man you marry should fall over backwards to fill you up with so much love that it's all you can do to try to make HIM feel as loved as he does you. Your relationship sounds like it's been on the rocks for a while, to the extent he asked you to move out, right? You did the right thing by calling the wedding off. I'm sure you would have had a beautiful wedding and will make a gorgeous bride some day, but you want more than a wedding; you want a MARRIAGE. This man is not prepared to give that to you.

    "I want time" he says. He is the textbook example of the "why buy the cow" cliche and wants time to work up the courage to finally make the "purchase"....It sounds like he likes the idea of having a girlfriend whom he sees on occasion when it's most convenient for him; he doesn't want a wife who challenges him, whom he has to work hard to please and make sacrifices for NOT because she is spoiled or demanding but because that is what a marriage is; give and take. You deserve a man who, when the time comes, knows that he wants to be that man for you without you having to constantly poke and prod and beg him to be that man.

    I hear you saying "he would be perfect if only he'd do this, and be that, and change this...we'd get along so great." Honey, you are talking about an entirely different person if he needs to make that many changes to be the perfect man for you! No matter how badly you want your bf to be "the one" it sounds like he's really really not. I know it's daunting to start all over again when the two of you have so much history together but just think that the man of your dreams is out there looking for you RIGHT THIS SECOND but can't find you because you're waiting on your bf. It will take him a decade, at least, to change. Are you willing to wait that long for him? There are men who'd cut off their left hand to be with a girl as hopelessly devoted to them as you are, take some time to yourself and when you're ready go out there and snag one!!

  4. you are MUCH MUCH better off with out him. Love is loving, there is nothing loving about his actions towards you.

  5. As a guy, i'll point out that there's always the guy's side... and learning from my own relationship with my gf of 31 months. I know that the guy's side also looks a lot different in a different light.

    HOWEVER. this guy is a twat. he didn't deserve you and frankly i'm surprised you guys were to be married... he lives at home with his parents... but asks you to move out before the wedding.. wtf

    and while i've used the line "i need time" myself after a while it just doesn't cut it, ditch the baggage and man up dude check your priorities

    more i want to say but i'll leave it at that