Saturday, October 17, 2009

We Cancelled The Wedding

The most heart wrenching decision I have ever had to make. He told me he wasn't ready, it was all too much. Who am I to force him? Thanks for the late notice.

"I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.I forgot that I deserve better.

I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on."

I'm not moving on from him.. more so.. moving on from this experience. However, I have made it clear that things need to change. We will get married when he is ready for it completely, and if I have still stuck around long enough for that to come. What a sad thought, eh?

One day I feel loved and am planning our wedding with everything I have, and the next day, I am curled up in my computer chair, sobbing for hours. All vendors have been cancelled, but I doubt I will get any deposits back. I paid off my bridesmaids dresses and wedding dress. His wedding ring came in the following day.

All of my wedding things are hidden somewhere thanks to my parents, but my bridesmaids dresses are sitting in my parent's closet. My wedding dress comes in on November 10th, but I'll be selling that. As for what I'm doing with my wedding ring and promise ring, who knows.

I've been rather depressed lately, but you can't blame me, right? My parents have been trying to chear me up with greasy food and alcohol but I don't have much of an appetite. I can't stop looking at wedding things and need to constantly remind myself that I'm not getting married anymore.

I don't know exactly how to describe what I'm feeling. Mad, sad, dissapointed, betrayed.. I guess those are good starters. But I really don't know how to explain it. Oh, I hope this doesn't last very long.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, hon. That is devastating, truly. You must be incredibly strong- I would be falling apart times a million. Wishing you the best and that this passes soon and he realizes what he's got before it's too late!